Longing for the day ...

12 Good Bars and True - NSAI Feedback

Having put all of my "Alive and Alone" songs up for evaluation I had one more free evaluation left. In a rush-of-blood moment I decided to put 12 Good Bars and True into the system to see where it sits - mainly because I have never played it live (even though I love it) because I've never felt that I could do Matt's guitar work justice as a solo performer.

Here's the version I submitted, as uploaded to YouTube by CDBaby:

Because there is no "Blues" category, I entered it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for feedback on the basis that I wanted another artist to record it. Here's the evaluator's feedback:

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Song Title - 12 Good Bars and True

Evaluator Number - XXXXX

I am recognizing this writer as "One to Watch".

Evaluators Comments -
EVALUATORS OPENING: Welcome to the evaluation service at NSAI. Thanks for
your submission. I am evaluator XXXXX. Please keep in mind that my evaluation
is my professional opinion. My intention is to help you to be the best
songwriter you can be. Hopefully my comments will help you towards that goal.

FORM/STRUCTURE: It's an ok blues structure.

TITLE/HOOK: It's a clever blues hook. You use it in a memorable way.

LYRIC: This is a cool blues lyric. I think it works however; I found the 1st
verse is a little confusing with some of the lines being vague. I suggest you
clarify where you are where there's no soul. " Well I bled to earn" is
cool, but I think that part of the story can be more simple and clearer.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: Good theme. This can work for the blue market.

MELODY/METER (IF APPLICABLE): You have a standard cool blues melody and feel.

CLOSING COMMENTS: This is a good blues song. It can fit into Americana folk,
but I hear it as just plain blues. Keep up the good work.

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HOLY SHIT!! Did NOT see that coming! Apparently I have been neglecting the best song I've written so far.

So, with a couple of tweaks, this one might go to the next level. Cool! I will prioritise re-writing and re-mixing this one and get it back into the system. Perhaps if it's declared "ready to pitch" I will try to find a pubisher for it.

I must confess that I have, as usual, agonised over those words and wondered about the best way to express those concepts. Again, it's great to have guidance and a suggestion of what's missing them so that I can fix them. Actually, I already have a suggested fix for these lyrics, so perhaps it won't take long to get back to.

In summary: Very cool news. I will make this one the first one I will re-work and try to take it to the next level. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

Red Hot - NSAI feedback

I co-wrote Red Hot with Shanon Watkins. He came over one afternoon and we explored a guitar riff that I had in my head. He came up with a melody and some placeholder lyrics. He left it with me to finish. I added the a capella intro much later, after I had come up with the hook. As a point of personal ethics, the copyright is registered 50/50 even though I did most of the writing - because that's what we agreed on at the start of the process.

Here's the version I submitted, as uploaded to YouTube by CDBaby:

I entered it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for feedback on the basis that I wanted it to be a commercial song. Here's the evaluator's feedback:

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Song Title - Red Hot

Evaluators Comments -
EVALUATORS OPENING: Welcome to the NSAI Evaluation Service. I am Evaluator
XXXXX. My goal is to help guide you in the process of songwriting, with the
hopes of helping you become the best songwriter you can be. Please keep in
mind that this evaluation is only my professional opinion, and these opinions
are given to you to help reach your goals for each submitted song. I hope
this service will be a beneficial tool for your craft, and wish you the best
in all you do.

FORM/STRUCTURE: You have a unique structure here that can use some tweaks to
allow the structure to present a smoother flow. I recommend using the opening
with just the first two lines then going to a verse section. Because it has
the same feel other parts of the song consider using a a change to the line
length and syllable count such as the "crazy from the heat" section feel for
a verse section, then going with the opening full section as the chorus feel
to follow verse 1, followed by either another verse or a bridge section that
presents a complete departure form the other feels followed by chorus, lead,
chorus out.

TITLE/HOOK: Your title is really ok, but the thought of a "Red Hot Glow"
could be a more relatable title to the listener. If going with "Red Hot Glow"
you can then build around the idea to support this thought throughout the
song to allow the hook to leave the most solid message to the listener.

LYRIC: As mentioned above, the title change to the suggestion above will be a
more relatable thought to the listener. Consider using this title change and
re-wrokingthe lyric to present thoughts of a "red hot glow". Using verse
sections to paint the picture of how the night and everything that represents
this night looks and feels hot, such as the lights, the girls, the whiskey
etc. will allow the lyric to support the thought throughout.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: Idea is unique but a bit confusing right now due to the
lack of lyrical support to the idea. Using the above suggestions will allow
the lyric to paint a stronger picture of a "red hot glow" and will allow the
song to be themed well form start to finish.

MELODY/METER (IF APPLICABLE): You have a feel here that is more geared
towards the 80's rock market which is really ok, but this can feel a little
dated for todays commercial radio. Studying the current top 40 for the
intended market will help to inspire ideas that will help to gear the song
more towards your final goal.

CLOSING COMMENTS: Consider re-writing with the above ideas and suggestions
to see where they can take the song. I hope this evaluation has helped you
gain some new ideas for the song. Keep up the writing as each write and
re-write will continue to develop your commercial writing skills, and thank
you again for your submission.
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"Geared towards the 80s rock market", huh? Well I'm an 80s rock child (musically) and proud of it, so I guess that's pretty positive - I'll take it! The rest looks pretty familar, really. Point-by-point:

Thanks for the restructure suggestion - I'm gonna have to play with all of that before I have a clue what it might be like. Open to the suggestions, though, and very willing to try this re-structure out.

<sigh> The title of this was originally "Red Hot Blow", which I shortened so that it could accommodate all of the red hot things in the song. I'm learning that those variations, which are a habit of mine, are not ideal and that I should go the other way and simplify the song to match the hook. "The lyric doesn't support the hook" ... again, huh? Once again, unique idea, not quite working. Familiar stuff ...

Hmmmmm ... I'll have to see how this feels after the re-structure, but I hear the point about the dated feel. In my head this seems like a production decision rather than a songwriting one - but I'm learning that the two are very closely related. The next version of this will have more instrumentation and in the Tetrafasi Project I will do a rock band version and something more extravagant, so I will definitely play with these thoughts. I'm actually inspired to do this one with a bit more Prince funk now that I've read that feedback - but it would still have to be very modern Prince. Got some research to do.

In summary: More of the same feedback, with some specific suggestions for changing this one up. More encouragement, but a re-write and a different arrangement coming up. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

Home Free - Be Free re-write - NSAI feedback

Home Free is one that I have already re-written plenty of times. It has evolved a long way but I still feel it could be much better. However, I really think it has great potential if I can get it right - and crowds usually really dig it.

Here's the version I submitted, as uploaded to YouTube by CDBaby:

I entered it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for feedback on the basis that I wanted it to be a commercial song.
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Song Title - Home Free

Evaluators Comments -
EVALUATORS OPENING: Welcome to the NSAI Evaluation Service. I am Evaluator
XXXXX. My goal is to help guide you in the process of songwriting, with the
hopes of helping you become the best songwriter you can be. Please keep in
mind that this evaluation is only my professional opinion, and these opinions
are given to you to help reach your goals for each submitted song. I hope
this service will be a beneficial tool for your craft, and wish you the best
in all you do.

FORM/STRUCTURE: You have the proper form here. Keep in mind that most of
todays commercial radio songs are geared towards the 3 minute mark. Being
that this structure takes the song closer to 5 minutes consider shaving down
the intro to half of its current form, shaving out the spoken part and
transposing verse 3 to have more of a bridge feel 2 to 3 lines with a
complete lyrical and melodic departure from the rest of the song.

TITLE/HOOK: You have a nice commercial title here that will work to stand out
to your listener. Hook lacks a solid payoff that would leave it memorable to
the listener. A hook will do this when each line of the song works as a clear
and direct idea to the hook from beginning to end of the song.

LYRIC: You have some lines here that are geared to the hook, but overall
lyric can use some tweaks throughout to allow the lyric to better support the
hook throughout. The main focus of the song is based around the title "Home
Free" which means to have achieved or achieved ones objective. With this in
mind you want to establish a lyric built around this. For example, verse
sections that show the achievement that has been made, and a chorus section
that is based around the result of this achievement and what it brings.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: You have a unique idea here that feels incomplete at this
time due to the lack of lyrical support to the song. Using the above ideas
will allow the lyric to be more direct to the hook idea which will allow the
song to carry the strongest theme to the listener from start to finish.

MELODY/METER (IF APPLICABLE): You have melodies here that provide a marriage
to the idea, while overall feel can work for the intended market. Changes to
the meter from section to section allow the melodies to stay fresh
throughout, but your overall flow and dynamical presentation will be stronger
with the suggested changes for the structure.

CLOSING COMMENTS: I hope this evaluation has helped you gain some new ideas
for the song. Consider re-writing with the above suggestions to see where
they can take the song. Keep up the writing as each write and re-write will
continue to sharpen your commercial writing skills. Thank you again for your
submission.
----------

WoW! That's pretty positive with the same critique I have received repeatedly during this exercise ... <sigh>. So, point-by-point:

Yep, OK ... structure fine but too long. I hear that. I actually had been working on putting more into this one to see where it might lead and hadn't gotten around to the taking out of stuff. The spoken part is completely self-indulgent and is based on how I perform the song in my live set. I do it second-last and use that section to thank the crowd - there's no need for that na recording. Will edit as suggested.

Lyric doesn't support the hook, huh? Where have I heard that before?? Will work harder on that one while trimming as above.

A"unique idea here that feels incomplete", huh? Positive, but where have I heard that before? Will work harder on that one while trimming as above.

Nice to hear that the melody works as intended. I often feel that melody is my weak point, but this feedback seems to be saying otherwise. I'll take that ... but keep working on writing fresher melodies.

In summary: Encouraging but same-old feedback. I will re-write and edit and try again. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

Somebody Else's Skin - NSAI feedback

Somebody Else's Skin was an attempt at being silly and catchy and not particularly anything. I've just realised that I never posted it when I first wrote it - probably because I was never happy with it until I recorded it because ... fuck it, I needed one more.

Here's the version I submitted, as put onto YouTube by my distributor, CDBaby:

Here's the lyric I submitted, which had been critiqued by Alan Roy Scott at the Australian Songwriters Conference in 2016. He pointed out that the biggest problem with it was that the chorus didn't take off from the verse lyric and go somewhere new - it was at the same level. I think I have fixed that in this version but it still doesn't feel right to me. It's awkward somehow ... here's the lyric I submitted:

I put it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for feedback on the basis that I want it to be a commercial song. Not sure why ... perhaps because in my head it's catchy and raw at the same time.

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Song Title - Somebody Else's Skin

Evaluators Comments -
EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, it's Evaluator #XXXXX - thank you very much for
using NSAI's online evaluation service. I know you're excited to get down
to the song evaluation and, as we go through it, please remember that my
suggestions are purely my opinion. I will be focusing on the areas that need
attention and give you the absolute best advice and critique that I possibly
can. Also, it is important to remember that this evaluation service is
designed to be a process of your songwriting as a whole - these suggestions
will be for things to think about in ALL of your writing. I will be giving
thoughts and ideas that will make this particular song stronger but it still
might not get to a level ideal for publishers and the commercial market...and
that's completely okay. Remember, it's a process of overall writing and
not just a single song. So here we go - let's get started!

FORM/STRUCTURE: All good.

TITLE/HOOK: I can't decide if this is cool or creepy.

LYRIC: My concern immediately (besides the cool or creepy question) is I
don't know who Barry or Sally are, so I wondered if I should - or if they are
made up. Overall the whole thing seems a little disconnected to me because of
that, and the "sin/skin" line in the first verse that made me think of
Hannibal Lecter too soon. This is just a personal reaction, but it may be a
gauge for you to judge if this is the best way to write this hook.

MELODY/METER (IF APPLICABLE): A rather obvious Americana / songwriter
melody. Works for me, no fireworks but you have a lot of story to tell.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: Overall, I'm just not certain this hook works the way you
want it to. The writing is good, and cohesive and the melody appropriate, it
just hit me the wrong way.

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"I can't decide if this is cool or creepy" is probably the most perfect thing I have every been told. It perfectly explains why I've never quite felt right about this one, too. Still, it's encouraging and makes me feel like I want to get it right. Here's my thoughts point-by-point:

It's nice to know that this structure is OK. I've been agonising over whether the double verse thing works, and whether the repeated 12-bars are too much. I'll stick with this for now and try to make the rest work.

OK, the ambiguity around Barry and Sally has ocurred to me and I have some thoughts about how to make that clearer. The creepy factor is harder to deal with, because I really love the hook - but I hear what is being said here. It needs to be re-phrased into a more wholesome message, which is what it's trying to be.

The melody IS obvious, which I thought made the song more accessible. I'll try to add a "firework" or two for effect, but I really just want this to be accessible and focus on the message of self-confidence. Perhaps strip back the story a little??

In summary: Nice to know that "the writing is good and cohesive and the melody appropriate". I'm dong something right!! :-) I will try to re-work the hook and the identities reduce the creepy factor. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

Simplicity - NSAI feedback

Simplicity is one of the first songs I wrote. I've been dragging it around for decades (literally) knowing that it's weird and not likely to mean anything to anyone apart from me and a few very close friends who love it. Funny thing is that it always goes over well at shows, so I threw it into the mix for this. Here's the version I submitted, as distributed to YouTube via CDBaby:

I put it in the Americana/Folk category and asked for to to be assessed as a commercial song. Here's what the assessor had to say:

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Song Title - Simplicity

Evaluators Comments -
EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, its Evaluator #XXXXX and thank you for having NSAI
and myself be a small part of your writing career. Please understand that
what I am about to lay out are merely suggestions to help improve your
writing and make your song and your future songs as strong as they can
possibly be to compete in todays competitive market. Lets get started!!

FORM/STRUCTURE: Im very confused with your structure. I dont know what this
is supposed to be. I see a V-V-C and then more chorus-like sections. Not
the most effective way to set up a song. Think more V-V-C-V-C type approach.
For a moment I thought you were writing an AABA type song but clearly thats
not the case either. Overall a 5 minute song is way to long for todays
market. The only other thought is that you dont hit your chorus till past
the 2 minute mark. Thats a long wait for a chorus.

TITLE/HOOK: The title is ok but its only heard through in only one chorus.
Hard to really know that thats the TITLE of the song.

LYRIC: I have no idea what this song is about. Im not really seeing the main
point of this lyric and not seeing a strong main point setup line to your
title. Again having completely different lyric in the other choruses, makes
it really hard to see what the main point takeaway is for the listener. I
would try and dial that in better and give your title more prominence.
Lastly, try a less poetic approach. Poetic lyric just is not all that
current. Try and keep it more conversational.

MELODY/METER: The melody fits the lyric well.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: I think the idea needs further developing. I just dont
know what its supposed to be about at this time.

CLOSING COMMENTS: Always feel free to grab a second opinion. I hope you find
this helpful and wish you the best with your writing.

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OK, so clearly this is not meant to be a commercial song in the NSAI mold. Still, there's some positives in this feedback and a few tips that I will try to accommodate to make it better as far as other people are concerned. Let's go through this point-by-point:

The structure of this one has always been wierd. I'm OK with that. If Stairway to Heaven can be a hit, then this structure works for me. It's structured that way for a reason and people who get it, get it.

Good point about the title missing in action. Might do something about this one. It could use more clarity.

Yeah - it's unique and confusing unless you've been there and you get it - but so is Stairway to Heaven. I know what this song means and peple who have taken my journey know what is means and love it. I'm OK with Nashville songwriters not getting it. I'm not trying to be "current" with this one. As with all of this feedback so far, I will try to get more clarity into the lyric.

Great to know that the melody fits the lyric well. I've agonised over this one at that point. Another good reason not to tinker with the lyric too much.

In summary: OK, so it seems that this is not the kind of song that is appropriate for the NSAI mode of commercial songwriting. I'm ok with that because not every song is - and this one is special to me. Good to be put back in my box about why I am doing this and what is appropriate to this audience. I'll re-write it in small ways but I think I'm just gonna produce this one for myself and put it out there as I hear it. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

When It's Over - NSAI feedback

When It's Over is, to me, a novelty song. It came from mucking about with a guitar and trying to be catchy and groovy. That said, it is, according to some people, one of the catchiest darn things ever so I thought I'd get it critiqued as a commercial song.

I actually had a very early draft of this critiqued by Bill Pere (wonderful guy, btw) at the Independent Musicians Conference in Philadelphia in 2007. Bill suggested that I needed to add emotional depth and clarity, which I thought I had done. Here's the version I submitted:

I put it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for an assessment as a commercial song. Here's what the assessor had to say:

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Song Title - When It's Over

Evaluators Comments -
EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, it's Evaluator #XXXXX - thank you very much for
using NSAI's online evaluation service. I know you're excited to get down
to the song evaluation and, as we go through it, please remember that my
suggestions are purely my opinion. I will be focusing on the areas that need
attention and give you the absolute best advice and critique that I possibly
can. Also, it is important to remember that this evaluation service is
designed to be a process of your songwriting as a whole - these suggestions
will be for things to think about in ALL of your writing. I will be giving
thoughts and ideas that will make this particular song stronger but it still
might not get to a level ideal for publishers and the commercial market...and
that's completely okay. Remember, it's a process of overall writing and
not just a single song. So here we go - let's get started!

FORM/STRUCTURE: Nice folk structure, good job.

TITLE/HOOK: Cool title, but the hook left me wanting more.

LYRIC: I like that this lyric is different and unique. But it wasn't super
clear to me in the chorus. There's a Steely Dan song called "Do It Again"
that manages to convey what I think you want to say but works off a clear
message and matching melodic emotion to drive the point home. This is close,
but a bit too vague for me to grab on to what you are feeling.

MELODY/METER (IF APPLICABLE): Melody is a nice Americana melody, but I think
missing some of the emotion and space that would make this hook really work.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: A great start but feels a rewrite or two away from being
as powerful as it could be.

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OK, well .. I'm not sure what "The hook left me wanting more means. I guess it means that the songs has unfulfilled potential, right? So "a rewrite or two away from being as powerflu as it could be" is encouraging.

By now I'm getting used to reading that my lyrics are not clear enough. I'm also not sure what "melodic emotion" and "space" means, exactly. I will have to do some research and figure out how to write that. I love that kind of research but I'm very time-poor at the moment. Still, this is, I think, the most encouraging response so far.

Perhaps the lack of calrity comes from the way I wrote it. Unusually for me, this one didn't start with a clear concept or point. It started from a catchy groove and had words added later. The earlier critique I had at ISC made me add a little focus ... but obviously not enough yet.

In summary: Some encouragement but this critique sounds familiar. I will check out that Steely Dan song and do some research and re-write, then re-submit. I shall have a good, deep think about exactly what I am trying to say with this one. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

She Don't Want Your Love - NSAI feedback

Next song I received feedback for was She Don't Want Your Love.This one is a very personal song to me, which I also had critiqued by Jason Blume some time ago. I thought I had improved it a lot ... it seems I have lots to work to do yet ... :-)

Here's the version I submitted, as uploaded to YouTube by CDBaby:

I entered it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for feedback on hte basis that I wanted it to be a commercial song. As with all of these, I don't really know whether that's the best fit, but it's where I started ...

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Song Title - She Don't Want Your Love

Evaluators Comments -
SHE DONT WANT YOUR LOVE

EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, its Evaluator #XXXXX and thank you for having NSAI
and myself be a small part of your writing career. Please understand that
what I am about to lay out are merely suggestions to help improve your
writing and make your song and your future songs as strong as they can
possibly be to compete in todays competitive market. Lets get started!!

FORM/STRUCTURE: V-C-V-C-V-C works just fine.

TITLE/HOOK: The title is fine and prominently displayed in the song.

LYRIC: Well there is a slight difference between your lyric sheet and your
recording. V2 and V3 are somewhat flipped which is causing some rhyme scheme
trouble. Might want to rethink that and make sure your lyric sheet is your
correct lyric. Overall you are on the right track but there is some vague
lyric references. There is nothing in the lyric that really sets up LONELY
nor GREW UP TOO FAST. That first line in your chorus feels like that comes
out of nowhere. The verses dont really set that up at all. I would try and
be more clear and specific in your verses to better support that line
especially as a chorus opener. Also Im completeley lost in Line 3 of V3 when
you bring in the I angle. I FELT HER HEART etc etc. Not making sense to the
SHE and the YOU angle at all. That comes out of nowhere as well. I would
try and dial it all in more effectively and be very clear.

MELODY/METER: The melody seems to work well and you do a great job of making
your chorus different than your verses. Nice phrasing in your verses!!

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: I think the idea needs further developing.

CLOSING COMMENTS: I hope you find this helpful and wish you the best with
your writing.
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Whoops! My bad. Note to self: when you have produced and re-written several versions, make sure that teh recording you submit and the lyrics you submit are the same version! D'Oh! Now, point-by-point.

Great to know the structure is fine and the hook clear. I had been wondering whether I should add a bridge but, since it was originally based on Desperado, I figured it's probably ok without one.

Here we go agin with "the lyrics needs to support the chorus better". I'm hearing that a lot in this phase of my songwriting development and I guess it's a deficiency in my writing that needs to be fixed. The couple of specific tips are wonderful because I never know exactly what's wrong - it all makes perfect sense to me! This is where peer critiques from people who are better songwriters than I am can be so powerful. If they're not getting it, then it's not good enough.

Cool! A complement on the melody and phrasing - awesome! I always feel like melodies are my weak point, but I have worked pretty hard on this one. Something to be encouraged by ...

In summary: I guess "I think the idea needs further developing" is a pretty good summary of my feedback to date. Some encouragement, but a re-write coming up. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?

Angels - NSAI feedback

Next song to be critiqued was Angels. Remember that this was not originally my song - it's my re-write of Ann Leung's song. Here's the version I submitted, as distribute to YouTube by CDBaby:

I enterd this in the "Gospel" category and asked for assessment of it as a commercial song. Here's the feedback:

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Song Title - Angels

Evaluators Comments -
ANGELS

EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, its Evaluator #XXXXX and thank you for having NSAI
and myself be a small part of your writing career. Please understand that
what I am about to lay out are merely suggestions to help improve your
writing and make your song and your future songs as strong as they can
possibly be to compete in todays competitive market. Lets get started!!

FORM/STRUCTURE: While the chorus quite short, the verses are quite long.
Even with having a short chorus, you might still want to rethink the length
of your verses. Overall the song is quite long. Even if you limited the end
to just the one chorus you are still over the 4 minute mark. Quite a long
song.

TITLE/HOOK: The title is pretty average as far as titles go but overall its
missing a strong main point. While you have your title all over the verses,
its not quite prominently displayed or set up with a clear decisive main
point line preceding it.

LYRIC: Overall Im not sure who the singer is really singing to or about.
There is some confusion with the point of view that needs to be addressed
first. Second, and as I stated earlier, there needs to be some main point
relative to your idea. Not seeing that as of yet. Lastly, try and be more
clear with your lines. Right now Lines 1 & 2 say something completely
different that get me lost right from the start.
I was feeling I could cry when the angels came
Awkward small and shy then the angels came
SO your first line says the ANGELS CAME but then the second line says that
they came AFTER something else. Thats not all that logical. Try and lead the
listener down a clear and logical path literally line by line. A to B to C
etc etc.

MELODY/METER: Its an average melody as far as melodies go. You do a nice job
of making the chorus special and memorable but I think the length of your
verses hurts your melody overall.

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: I think the idea needs further developing.

CLOSING COMMENTS: I hope you find this helpful and wish you the best with
your writing.

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Well, this is both helpful and disheartening. Great feedback, nonetheless.

Perhaps this one is best simply not considered a commercial song. I want to respect it for what it is. I hear the criticism of its length and structure, but I don't want to change that. A more constructive critique was the one I got from Hillsong Publishing at the Australian Songwriting Conference a few years ago: the last two lines of the verse need to be a pre-chorus with a shift in melody and rhythm. Since I want to make this song a builder into a massive Gospel coda, I think that's more likely to get what I want.

I hear the confusion about the lyric and especially its target. I have agonised over this one and this critque helps give direction a lot. Will definitely re-write on that basis.

In summary: Very helpful critique that I will use to re-write this one, but I thin it's off my list of songs to sell or try to commercialise. I'm gonna make this one into something special to me and the other people behind it. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?