Longing for the day ...

She Don't Want Your Love - NSAI feedback

Next song I received feedback for was She Don't Want Your Love.This one is a very personal song to me, which I also had critiqued by Jason Blume some time ago. I thought I had improved it a lot ... it seems I have lots to work to do yet ... :-)

Here's the version I submitted, as uploaded to YouTube by CDBaby:

I entered it in the "Americana/Folk" category and asked for feedback on hte basis that I wanted it to be a commercial song. As with all of these, I don't really know whether that's the best fit, but it's where I started ...

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Song Title - She Don't Want Your Love

Evaluators Comments -
SHE DONT WANT YOUR LOVE

EVALUATORS OPENING: Hello, its Evaluator #XXXXX and thank you for having NSAI
and myself be a small part of your writing career. Please understand that
what I am about to lay out are merely suggestions to help improve your
writing and make your song and your future songs as strong as they can
possibly be to compete in todays competitive market. Lets get started!!

FORM/STRUCTURE: V-C-V-C-V-C works just fine.

TITLE/HOOK: The title is fine and prominently displayed in the song.

LYRIC: Well there is a slight difference between your lyric sheet and your
recording. V2 and V3 are somewhat flipped which is causing some rhyme scheme
trouble. Might want to rethink that and make sure your lyric sheet is your
correct lyric. Overall you are on the right track but there is some vague
lyric references. There is nothing in the lyric that really sets up LONELY
nor GREW UP TOO FAST. That first line in your chorus feels like that comes
out of nowhere. The verses dont really set that up at all. I would try and
be more clear and specific in your verses to better support that line
especially as a chorus opener. Also Im completeley lost in Line 3 of V3 when
you bring in the I angle. I FELT HER HEART etc etc. Not making sense to the
SHE and the YOU angle at all. That comes out of nowhere as well. I would
try and dial it all in more effectively and be very clear.

MELODY/METER: The melody seems to work well and you do a great job of making
your chorus different than your verses. Nice phrasing in your verses!!

OVERALL THEME/IDEA: I think the idea needs further developing.

CLOSING COMMENTS: I hope you find this helpful and wish you the best with
your writing.
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Whoops! My bad. Note to self: when you have produced and re-written several versions, make sure that teh recording you submit and the lyrics you submit are the same version! D'Oh! Now, point-by-point.

Great to know the structure is fine and the hook clear. I had been wondering whether I should add a bridge but, since it was originally based on Desperado, I figured it's probably ok without one.

Here we go agin with "the lyrics needs to support the chorus better". I'm hearing that a lot in this phase of my songwriting development and I guess it's a deficiency in my writing that needs to be fixed. The couple of specific tips are wonderful because I never know exactly what's wrong - it all makes perfect sense to me! This is where peer critiques from people who are better songwriters than I am can be so powerful. If they're not getting it, then it's not good enough.

Cool! A complement on the melody and phrasing - awesome! I always feel like melodies are my weak point, but I have worked pretty hard on this one. Something to be encouraged by ...

In summary: I guess "I think the idea needs further developing" is a pretty good summary of my feedback to date. Some encouragement, but a re-write coming up. THANK YOU NSAI!

What do you think? How would you feel about this feedback and what would you do about it?